For Men Only!
Men, this page is for men only, but you're both going to love the results.
Take weeks or months to play, experiment, and practice this page, until it seems second nature. You'll learn things few men know, and you and she wlll be glad you did.
Be sure you see the part about Delaying Ejaculation below.
First Please Her
Women are mercurial and ever-changing, so tuning into her is vital. There are things she consistently favors, yet you can't assume she wants the same thing every day. Tomorrow she might respond differently to that same thing, so don't try to nail down a rule or a create a "winning routine." Be awake and in the moment.
There's a balance of remembering her "favorites"
and being aware of her changing desires in this moment.
A man cannot expect his lover to be like him, unless he wants a man! He usually knows what he likes, and tomorrow it will be pretty much the same. Quintessential women like change and surprises and variety in their relationships and interactions. Women's responses shift, and their moods, wants, and desires may change from moment to moment like the waves on the surface of the ocean.
A man can either appreciate, and be fascinated, entertained, and intrigued by the differences between himself and his woman, or be forever frustrated ~ it's his choice.
Men classically want figure things out, file the information, and "have the one answer for all time", but Tantric sex is about feeling each other's energy in each moment, in the now. I used to joke that some men want to find each hot spot on their woman and spray paint "X marks the spot" and just go right to them every time without having to sense her and feel her.
Most women (and very sensitive men) find the unconscious autopilot mode a turnoff. She can feel he's in his own little world and isn't present with and sensing her at all. He can feel she's making a grocery list.
There's a foundational principle in Tantra that the woman takes a long time to warm up. The man feels for and waits for the energy connection or the woman's body saying "yes" before initiating intercourse. The masculine is faster to arouse, quicker to orgasm, and easier to please, while feminine sexual response is slower, more complex, mercurial, and nuanced--not so automatically turned on or pleased. Her pleasure grows with time and buildup.
Prioritize her arousal, pleasure, and satisfaction, and both of you end up happy, because a satisfied woman is very giving in bed. The reason so many women please their man for years and don't get their own pleasure needs met is a woman's tendency to take care of the other person's needs and neglect her own. But that eventually results in her losing interest in sex. Over the years, a woman can get pretty frustrated if the man isn't connecting, feeling her, pleasing her, and she will eventually want a change, or will even leave him.
It is at that point that men can get confused. He's thinking, "She was fine with it for years--what happened? Now she is leaving me!" She just got tired of not being sensed or heard.
It's the number one sex problem expressed by women. How can a man, who is not naturally oriented to pleasing others, possibly know how without learning how? He need not take it as a threat to his masculinity. The best male lovers say they were happily and eagerly taught by women. A few brave and enlightened ones sought out all they could learn from women, books, teachers, etc. But be aware, most of the stuff out there is about conventional sex, and it is quite limited. What you learn here WILL please any woman, because you will be able to read HER.
There's an old blues song that says,
"If mamma ain't happy ain't nobody happy."
A man gets back what he gives ten times. A happy satisfied woman is a passionate, juicy, willing, generous, inspired, creative, and glowing woman. And man is always happiest when he's making his woman happy. My lover asks me often, "Are you happy? When you're happy, it makes me happy."
Once she knows he's committed to her pleasure, that upward spiral begins to kick in from the start. Once she feels confidence that there's no rush, that she will be fulfilled, she'll relax and play. Once she trusts that her pleasure is foremost in his mind and he isn't going to go off into his own little world and leave her unfulfilled, she is very giving and engaged.
The SLOW philosophy of Tantra frees the man from performance anxiety, and he finds a new ecstasy in sex too.
Men typically need to learn to breathe, relax, slow down, and enjoy the ride and the scenery more along the way instead of being so orgasm driven. But he finds, much to his relief, that sex is not about "getting the job done," and once he experiences the freedom and ecstasy of no demands, rules, or deadlines, he's hooked.
The Feedback Loop for Men
If the man never developed a good sensory Feedback Loop, he's probably too much in his head, and not really present in his body. Or his energy may be too focused in his penis. Or he mechanically does what he thinks he's "supposed to do," not taking her response into account. If he has a poorly tuned Feedback Loop a man will keep doing something that is actually irritating, painful, or not pleasurable to her. He can't feel her energy.
If a first kiss showed a man had no Feedback Loop and was insensitive to my response, or lack of--that was the last date. There's not much you can do with a lover with no Feedback Loop. If he loves you he will take it upon himself to learn. If he doesn't --run!
If you really want the man and he's great on other levels, ask him to take this course with you. If that offends his masculine pride, let him go, you don't want a man who isn't willing to please you. Life is too short and there's so much bliss to be experienced.
I made up the term Feedback Loop while talking about a date my friend introduced me to. She had said he was a real catch. She was impressed by his money. This guy had two glasses of wine and was oblivious to my lack of readiness for, and my negative response to his oblivious and very unpleasant first kiss.
After the date, I said to the friend who had so excitedly introduced me to him, "Uh, it was as if he had no clue whatsoever how I felt. He literally stuck his tongue out and crammed it in my mouth. I pulled away and turned my head, but he kept trying, with no modification of method! He not only did not turn me on, but grossed me out. It was as if he had no Feedback Loop AT ALL. He seemed to be somewhere else, enjoying his own little world. He was unconscious, operating on some kind of insensitive autopilot. Ugh. Thanks, but he's out."
Some lovers even become annoyed that what they're doing is not working, as if their partner should just enjoy whatever they do. I heard of a guy actually saying to a woman, "Why can't you just get into what I'm doing?"
Giving Oral Sex
Oral sex is not a part of tantric sex, and isn't needed for full tantric bliss, but most people enjoy it, and some of you will use a combination of conventional and tantric sex. There are no rules.
However, tantra teaches us that it's not what you do, but how you do it.
Tantra will help you become a better giver of oral sex because it resensitizes you, slows you down, gets you present, and tunes you in to her. Most men have had no real sex education, so they don't know what works for women. And women often don't know what would work for them either because few have ever had it. Unfortunately women often endure irritation, discomfort, and even pain in oral sex to avoid hurting your feelings. Women can feel there's something wrong with them if they don't respond to what you do. They may retreat into fantasy to "make it work."
So here's what you do.
Apply and play with these tantric principles:
- Slow everything down dramatically--by ten times. She will love it. It's sensual and she can feel you more.
- Don't use fast, mechanical, or unconscious movements of your mouth and tongue. We know, all porno movies practically flog a women's clitoris into orgasm. But it's desensitizing for her, and makes it harder and harder to stimulate her over time.
- Lighten your touch ten times with fingers, mouth, and tongue. Use a soft, puffy, flat tongue rather than a hard, pointy tongue. Use your lips on her vaginal lips just like luscious kissing, not like jacking off.
- Use non-habitual movement. Don't use habitual, repetitious movements.
- Vary the speed and pressure, stopping often. Only continue something if she's saying, "Yes, don't stop."
- Fingers are far too hard and bony to use in the vagina unless you are extremely sensitive with them, and use generous lubrication. Too much lubrication is best if in doubt. Her tissues are unbelievable delicate.
- Vary the speed and type of strokes and touch, so she doesn't become desensitized.
- Alternate movement with stillness. Stop occasionally, remove your touch, and blow softly on her mound.
- Stop, be still, and just cup her warm mound with your hand. This can bring her to the edge of orgasm, so proceed softly and sensuously after doing this.
Overall, we do recommend removing conventional focus on the clitoris so that you may cultivate a deeper connection through penetration and energy exchange between man and woman. Make oral sex a treat rather than a way to assure or force her orgasm.
Learn And Grow to Sustain the Passion
Men, you study, practice, learn, and improve your skills in your job, your sport, your hobby, and everywhere else. You don't expect to be born knowing those things, not do you expect to be able to get stagnant and still prosper.
Why would it be any different with sex? And what a fun learning curve this is! It's not like academic study, it's an experiential adventure in love, creativity and spiritual growth!
A woman will be most easy to please early in a new relationship due to higher testosterone levels at that time. Pure passion, excitement, and newness will carry the sex for up to a year or so even if the man isn't a sensitive lover. But then as her hormones settle down to normal, she can become much less easy to arouse, or even desensitized. If she doesn't know how to guide you to please her, and you can't feel her, she may lose interest in sex or want it less.
If you want fabulous sex, there's a lot to learn about women that a man may not just naturally know. She appreciates every new sensation you bring her, and every forward movement you make together.
Passion fading is NOT inevitable! It can grow every year.
First make it okay for anything to happen here. It can take time to master delaying orgasm, and the less you rush or pressure yourself, the faster you'll get it. If it comes on and you can't stop it, don't judge--just let go and enjoy it.
There are major benefits to not ejaculating.
- Ejaculation sends energy OUT and DOWN, draining your energy.
- Circulating that energy and retaining it sends it UP and INWARD, nourishing you body, mind, and spirit.
Not ejaculating builds spiritual energy, lights you up, and uses that energy to recharge your body instead of blowing it out. Don't believe us--try it and see for yourself.
You'll get better at delaying orgasm as time goes by and as your ability to relax deeply increases.
We do not recommend the "get close, then stop ejaculation" method some systems teach. It builds tension and resistance, congest the prostate, and make your energy hard and stagnant.
We recommend intending to stay cool and not ejaculate from the start. Instead focus on directing that sexual power and energy inward and up, to revitalize your body and spirit.
- Direct the energy to circulate endlessly between you. When you stop making love the energy continues to circulate! It truly is endless!
- Direct it inward and upward to your head. This charges your master endocrine glands where sexual energy originates. It keeps you young!
- Direct it all through out your body. This sets you up for eventual full body, cosmic, ecstatic orgasms with no ejaculation.
Here's how to move toward non-ejaculating orgasms:
- Begin every sex act with presence and attention and stay cool, taking a long time to warm her up.
- Don't try to get yourself aroused at all. Just be PRESENT and AWAKE to sensation. Focus on warming HER up, not YOU. She needs it more.
- Then keep it cool. Don't go for hot sex. Bring your mind into the subtle sensations you're enjoying HERE and NOW, and let go of any goal or any place to get to.
- When it's time, after twenty minutes or an hour, enter her sloooowly, without stirring up heat. You want the passion to burn long and sustained, not trigger a hot and brief flash.
- The very moment you feel intense hot desire show up, slow your breath, RELAX your body, and cool it immediately, choosing to savor and enjoy loooong instead.
- Move your focus away from the sensitive head of the penis, and focus on the base of your penis which is at the perineum, way down at the spot between your penis and anus. Then move that energy up your spine or spread it throughout the body.
- Just keep intending it if you can't FEEL the energy movement happening. It will happen in time.
- Circle the energy (bodies in any position is fine): imagine golden light energy coming from her heart and breasts into your chest, feel it flow from your chest down to your penis, then into her vagina, where it flows back up to her chest, and again from her breasts to your chest, and back down in an endless circle.
- Slow the breath, synchronize to a slow breath, and relax all tensed muscles. Focus your mind on your breath and breathe slowly and deeply, imagining the breath spreading the energy all over your body.
- Relax the entire body, but especially unclench the butt, perineum, and anus. Melt into the feelings and enjoy them with no goal or no place to be but HERE, NOW.
- "Sniff" the energy up your spine into your head with little short breaths, delaying the out breath. Sniff repeatedly until you feel the energy spread out and stop concentrating in the head of the penis. Intention is powerful!
- With time you can simply intend to stay cool and delay ejaculation, and you will be able to indefinitely.
- Drop down deep into your body's core, release all tension with a body scan of your jaw, your shoulders, your belly, your anus and buttocks, wherever you put your tension. Relaxation will flood your body.
- Focus on the third eye or solar plexus, and the energy will be redirected IN and UP rather than the DOWN and OUT of ejaculation.
- With any of these methods, the energy changes directions and inverts, flooding your entire body with energy. The deeper you learn to relax and let the energy expand and spread, the more thrilling this energy will become. The energy will "valley out" instead of peaking
- You will get a glorious surprise one day: a full body orgasm with no ejaculation.
Not motivated to delay ejaculation?
Or want to compare the effects of ejaculation and non-ejaculation?
Notice after every time you have sex: if you ejaculate, notice if you get tired and sleepy. Notice how quickly you lose connection with her after. Notice how energetic and sharp you feel during that entire day.
Then another time, enjoy long, cool, deep sex with no ejaculation, and notice how energized, sharp, happy, connected, and revitalized you feel after. How long do you stay connected with her after? Notice how happy you feel all day.
Let your body tell you why it's healthy to retain your ejaculate. There is no health risk in not ejaculating.
It's Not Black And White
Hopefully this is not you, but if it is you, you need to hear it. So many female clients have told me this:
When I say, "I want this..." or "please do it more this way," he hears, "You're saying I'm doing it wrong," and he goes into his negative emotions. This confounds the woman. She's just saying what she wants. It's not a criticism.
When a man thinks in black or white, right or wrong, rather than hearing her needs and going with her flow, he hears:
- "I'm doing it right (I feel good.)"
- "I'm doing it wrong (I feel bad.)"
Unless he's has authentically high self esteem (not bravado and a good front) and has learned to be self-validating, he may only hear these two extremes:
- "You're great in bed."
- "You suck in bed."
He may not actually be able to hear what she's asking for at all. If you get unpleasant emotions when she asks for something, dive in. Drop the story, feel YOUR feelings.
It's never one OR the other, right or wrong, good or bad, and it is not a judgment. It is not black and white for her, it is shades of gray, or like a temperature scale, and she is not saying it's bad. But if his self esteem is weak, that's all he can hear.
He could respond with: "thank you for letting me know what you want," and they both get to feel good and sex gets richer. If the man reacts with, "I'm doing it wrong," and he gets stuck in feeling bad, or blames her, it's a dead end. He freezes up or gets performance anxiety. Progress stops. If he can't hear what she's asking for without getting upset or threatened, he needs to look within himself, and reclaim his power and self esteem.
He needs to learn to self validate. The book Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, can help you get "self validation." And so can Lola's book Things Are Going Great In My Absence.
The woman can't give the man self esteem. No one can.
She can't damage his self esteem either. No one can. It's up to the man.
Make a regular practice of saying in a soft sexy, teasing voice:
- What do you want me to do, and how?
- More, less, softer, harder?
- Tell me, show me how you like it.
- Is this better?
- Tell me your deepest desires.
- How can I connect with you more?
- How can we be closer?
- I want to learn you and what you like, more of what turns you on.
- Thank you for letting me know what you want.
- I'm feeling this. What are you feeling?
Talk more about your good feelings as you explore in bed.
Audios for Men (more coming soon:)
AUDIO: Lola Jones - Spiritual Man Learning to Be Masculine and great material on getting clear on what you want in a partner.
Get In A Good Vibrational Place
A woman asking for what she wants should have no effect whatsoever on a man's self esteem, even if he's confounded by it. True self esteem is what he needs, not arrogance, ego, or false bravado. Surprisingly, some very confident-acting macho guys, like some very beautiful women, have low self esteem. The Universe will continue to bring you women and other triggers to let you feel any low self esteem until you raise your vibration.
Get yourself in a secure place with where you can learn new things and hear her needs without defensiveness or macho pride. Make it an exciting exploraton of her body and soul and your connection as a couple.
Get to that place where your self esteem is an inside job, and then you are free to be flexible, responsive, eager to learn her needs, change, be taught, ENJOY trial and error, laugh at awkward blunders, and lighten up on yourself. Stop taking sex so seriously. Play and go with the flow.
If she's told him her desires, or asked for things in bed, and he's been upset or defensive instead of appreciating her suggesting better ways to please her, there are some feelings for him to dive into. This needs his attention.
He could succeed in getting her to stop asking for what she wants so he doesn't have to feel his own discomfort, but that avoids facing why it's so difficult for him to just hear her. This needs his attention.
The only thing that matters to a masterful lover is the woman's response.
This audio is from a live session where a woman asks how to tell her
man what she needs sexually. Hearing it from two women's perspectives is a valuable opportunity for you men! There's more detail in this text, but hearing it is powerful.
You can always turn it around. Bounce off of what doesn't feel good and what's not working and:
- Her satisfaction must be more important to you than your own emotional comfort zone.
- Her satisfaction must be more important to you than your own pride.
- Be willing to feel deep feelings that arise in you.
- Intend right now to feel through any discomfort you have.
- Be welcoming of the deep feelings that arise in her.
- Intend to lead her to great sex for her as well as you.
- Lead her in doing the activities in this course. Take charge of it.
- There will come a time when you are making love as one.
- Lead her there. You'll find ultimate fulfillment as a man by doing this. You'll discover what true masculine authority is.
I Can Say Things To You That Your Woman Can't
Our expectations of sex and love are high, and actually often quite distorted, yet our culture offers no training or education in either. Women and men often don't know a lot about sex, much less advanced sex that involves profound energy exchange.
If women know these things it still can be uncomfortable to tell their man. Sometimes the man can't hear it without getting defensive, caught up in ego, or fearful about his "performance"--but I can say it to you plainly. I've worked with many people to light up their relationships in every way.
I'll put the "bad news" first (just kidding, it's not bad news, it's valuable information) then work up to a powerful sex technique.
The Bad News: Half Of All Women Are Sexually Frustrated
Almost half of all woman surveyed are unfulfilled sexually or only partly fulfilled by the sex they're having. Almost half of all women have had affairs. They aren't having the orgasms they want, or the types of sex they want, or they have deep emotional/sexual desires that aren't being met by their men. These women are not victims--these are powerful women who go out and get their desires met in every other way in their lives, all by themselves.
But in bed women cannot do it for themselves. Oh, sure, they can masterbate, but that is not what they want. They want and need men. They need men to learn what women need and want individually.
Women are conditioned to please from childhood, and typically give pleasure to their man generously, even forfeiting their own pleasure at first to make their man feel good. She thinks he'll continue to learn how to please her, or that if she gives enough one day he'll give that much back.
But that can backfire--the man is getting all he needs, and may think it's all just fine. The man might not perceive any need to actively seek more or better ways to please her in return. Then she's stuck. She may get frustrated or even angry, or she may shut down and put her attention elsewhere.
Women are told to compliment their men on good things they do in bed. True, BUT if that's all the woman does, the men think ALL is well, while the women are still unfulfilled. Appreciation is great, but it doesn't open the door for what the women want but are not getting. She can't compliment him on something he's never done so she can get stuck with the compliments only method.
She begins to cool off in the bedroom if she can't eventually get her needs met. The man often doesn't know or cannot admit it has anything to do with him--he may think that's just how marriage is, or how women are.
Women love sex as much as men, but a women's pleasure is much slower and more complex than a man's. Picture a man as a radio with three knobs, and she's a high fidelity tuner/amp/equalizer with twenty knobs and six slider adjustments.
While intense pleasure is a sure thing for men, it is not for her. Men are built to get their sexual pleasure pretty easily, while for women, it takes more sensitivity from the man.
Men, commit to make learning about her needs a delightfully challenging game full of pleasure for both of you. A man doesn't let the wonderful challenge her complexity and mercurial nature poses crush his self esteem. He's not failing just because she wants something different tonight.
The only thing that matters to a masterful lover
is the woman's response.
Make Sure She's "With You" -- Don't Get Ahead Of Her
Men, you're more "off or on" in sex. Once you're on you're ready to rock in seconds.
She is not built like that. For her, it's more like degrees on a temperature scale of one to ten. She might start at zero (cold) then after some foreplay you might get her to three (warming up) then you may warm her up to a five after more touch and talk. Do you take her to ten? Or did you lose her along the way somewhere while you went to ten?
Don't read her as on/off, yes/no, like you are--read her on a relative temperature scale.
Couples can get out of sync very early in the sex act. To prevent that and foster bonding, it helps to understand these classic differences in the sexes.
The quintessential "feminine" woman feels in degrees in life too. It's not so much yes/no, good/bad, on/off like a quintessential "manly" man. She's not sure which restaurant or which blouse she likes more, or what she wants, or she may want them all to different degrees.
She's literally mercurial.
Notice where she is on the temperature scale as you begin, and all along during lovemaking. Do what she needs to get hotter before rushing on without her. Hours of lovemaking actually suit woman well. Tantra makes that possible and enjoyable.
The best tantric technique for warming up her energy is to simply sit in front of her and hold her breasts gently in your hands, lightly supporting their weight. Don't twist her nipples. Don't squeeze hard. (Where did guys learn that??? In elementary school??? Porn movies???) Softly sweep around in big cupping circles over her entire breasts, touching everywhere: the top, sides, and especially supporting their weight underneath.
Her breasts are directly energetically connected to her vagina, and this will make her wet and prepare her to want you to enter her.
A three or four temperature is not the time to enter her, guys! She might need to be at six to really want you to enter her. Ask if you're not sure, or she will tell you, "I have to have you inside me!"
Oh, yes, you can rush it, and most men do, but it actually hardens her inner tissues. On some level she loses just a little bit of warmth toward you, and confidence in you, and something inside her tenses. If rushing continues over time, she will become desentized, and eventually lost interest in sex. And couples think this is because they've been together too long! It's not!
Read her signals, and play and experiment with what heats her up. She will get warmer if you make her wait for intercourse, or even make her ask for it. Try different things, and use her responses (or lack of) to hone your Feedback Loop. Once your Feedback Loop gets fine tuned, you'll read her like a book!
Think of it like taking her on a ride from one to ten, from one, cold or only mildly interested, to warming up and enjoying the ride, to ten, intense pleasure throughout her entire body.
Since she isn't an "on" or "off" being, like you, cold doesn't mean she isn't interested, she's just like a cold engine, willing to start up if you give her some fuel. She's somewhere on that one to ten scale, and a great lover always attends to where she is.
Her energy may go up and down like waves like the ocean. She doesn't go on a linear arousal trajectory like you do. The amateur male looks for a formula to use forevermore. The great male lover doesn't seek a formula, he reads her minute to minute forever. She might be different in a minute, or tomorrow, who knows? She's a woman.
She could be right up there with you, then lose a few degrees of heat. That's natural. When that happens in nature the male redoubles his efforts to win her over. You can heat her back up every time if you go with her flow and make pleasure your focus rather than rush toward a goal.
Men can get ahead of their woman anytime in lovemaking l if they're not reading her, or if they get too focused on only their own sensations. He's on to third base while she's just stepping up to bat. If he's too much into himself, his thoughts and fantasies, his routine, his body sensations, and not paying attention to her, she may never catch up.
To cool yourself off, move your energy and attention from the tip of your penis to the base, at the perineum. Then sip it up your spine, as if through a straw. Imagine spreading the energy throughout your whole body, diffusing it. This creates full body ecstasy as well as postponing or even stopping ejaculation. You can have extreme pleasure without ejaculation, and even without orgasm.
Get pleasure from her responses.
Feel how good your palms feel to touch her.
A great lover is tuned into her response, not just his own. Read her, tease her, pleasure her, and entice her to keep her up with you. If you think you're giving her "good" then day by day go for "better" and don't stop till you reach "best." But there is no best, because it will keep getting better.
Use your Feedback Loop. If she's not with you, "go back and get her," change positions, talk to her, touch her, do her favorite things (you took note of all of them, right?) and surprise her with new delights you've learned on your own to surprise her.
She'll try as best she can to go where you're leading, and she'll give to you to make you feel good. But if she keeps having to over-try to get herself up there, or make up elaborate fantasies to get herself to orgasm, it diminishes her connection with YOU--she's not even there with you!
Getting left behind is an all-too-common occurrence for women. If a woman just goes through the motions with her man, or has less passion, that's his cue she's been left behind too many times, and has become discouraged. If it goes on long term, she loses her desire for sex with him. If a man is surprised when a woman leaves him, his Feedback Loop has been off for a long time.
Intend to get your greatest pleasure by giving her the most pleasure you can, and it all comes back to you--times ten.
A satisfied woman will give you pleasure you won't believe.
If you're not finely tuned into her and feeling her,
she feels like a mere receptacle.
Profound union circulates energy so the more you give,
the more she returns it to you amplified.
Men, developing your Feedback Loop gives YOU more pleasure in the long run. You feel fabulous when you make her feel great. A pleased woman is more generous in bed. A frustrated woman puts less and less energy and thought into sex. It becomes mundane for her or she loses passion for you, even if she still loves you. She'll make it great if you do.
Note: she doesn't mind being objectified sometimes, or adored as a sex object, if it makes HER feel good too. But she wants you to tune into her pleasure and stay tuned into it, and make being your sex object extremely pleasurable.
Use your Feedback Loop to know where she is,
and bring her up to maximum pleasure.
The Huge Downside of Fantasy
They say the brain is the biggest sex organ. And that's true, but use the brain without leaving your partner and going off into fantasy. You can use your brain to focus on being present, loving, giving and receiving sensation, and intentions. Use the brain to redirect the energy.
When either partner is in their head in a distracting mental fantasy, they are literally not even in their bodies, and surely not present with their partner. It's not wrong, but the richness of true spiritual union is impossible when fantasy takes you off into your head. Don't force her to fantasize to get the pleasure she wants, either.
You could play together with fantasies from time to time, but it's a poor main course because you're not present and you can become desensitized--then you need more and stronger fantasies.
If she's having to work and fantasize to arouse herself too much, something is off. Rather than going for more intense stimulation, intensity, and fantasies, go for more connection, more emotion, and more sensitivity.
Guys, harder harder, faster faster, more more is not the formula for ecstasy.
The man who wants to play with fantasies occasionally must get into her head, and create fantasies that work for her. Once she's responding, he can talk her deeper into it. He will get plenty of juice from her arousal. If he's not taking her to the heights of pleasure, he needs to refocus, not unconsciously forge ahead. Is he on his own mental trip, or is he present with her. Is she "with him" or has he left her behind?
A fantasy that has you playing roles, but it's still the two of you in your bodies, and keeps you present in the moment, is fun without being distancing.
If she's having to work and fantasize to arouse herself too often, go for more energetic connection, more emotion, and more sensitivity instead.
Conventional hot sex stuff:
Now you have yourself in a good vibration, you're confident enough to be a bad boy in the bedroom, and you're ready to rock her world, and yours.
Master the art of leading her with sexy, hypnotic talk. You don't have to do it all the time, but adds spice. It takes a little time to feel natural doing anything new, and you must step out of your comfort zone, but the practice sure is fun! You know by now that when you lead a woman in the bedroom, you fulfill her deepest feminine desires. She's built that way psychologically and physically--to respond to and receive you. Take the classic male role of leading, and you can lead her anywhere you both want to go.
Just like with everything else, your Feedback Loop must be highly developed and working. If you say something and it doesn't turn her on, or it indeed turns her off, try something else.
Saying what heats you up is too self-focused, and it doesn't necessarily work for a woman. Men don't usually need heating up, they usually need slowing down.
The masterful lover doesn't look for rules or formulas,
all he focuses on is the woman's response right now.
In general, talking about HER and what you want her to feel heats her up. She may not consciously know this, and even if she does, she may not feel comfortable telling you.
You might tend to talk about yourself, your body parts, or what turns you on, but notice: does that do it for her? You can reach her much faster if you talk about her. Guys, don't feel bad--if no one's ever told you this--how could you know?
This is good news, guys. It's not so much about your looks, what you wear, or your money so much as how you make the woman feel. That's why broke, scruffy, poorly dressed bad boys can attract women. Sure, take a shower, shave, and look nice, but the visual is not as much of a turn on for women as it is for men. She smells you, feels you, and senses your love for her.
Study her responses, study her likes and dislikes, and learn to get what she's feeling and sensing, rather than assuming she is just like you.
Women are turned on by how you make them feel.
Share your bodily and emotional feelings. Just talking about them heightens.
- "Your skin feels so good to my hands."
- "That dress makes me want to throw you on the floor."
- "I thought about you all day."
- "Every time I think about you I get a hard on. I wanted to kiss you."
Just talking about you and your equipment can leave her out of the story. This takes creativity, but put HER in the story.
Women often try to adapt to what the man is doing, even when it isn't working for the woman. The extreme is faking orgasms--very common, and very detrimental, because by rewarding him for what doesn't work, she trains him to do what doesn't work, and that's a downward spiral that's hard to recover from. She's trying to please her man, to save his feelings. But one day she has to be honest.
A man can tell if an orgasm is real by lightly placing the pad of a finger on her vagina or anus as she comes. There will be involuntary, rhythmic ticking, pulsing spasms if the orgasm is real.
This cannot be faked.
You do NOT want her faking.
If she's not responding with deep pleasure and regular throbbing orgasms, he needs to change his approach, touch, voice tone, something, anything, until she's pulsing with pleasure.
The only thing that matters to a masterful lover
is the woman's response.
Who can you think of who gets people to do what they tell them to do really well? A hypnotist!
In counseling, I get people into a trance state all the time--although I'm not thinking of it as hypnosis--it is. I talk soothingly, getting them out of their left brain and into their right brain. I give them all kinds of hypnotic suggestions once I get them there. I suggest how they can feel, soften, let go, what is possible for them, and what is going to happen for them, and it happens!
I say YOU a lot, speaking directly to the deepest part of them, leading them with hypnotic suggestions and commands. I say, "You will" and "you can" and "you'll soon find," planting expectations and possibilities. We'll adapt this to leading in sex.
I must use my Feedback Loop to constantly check if they're "with me" or not. If I go off down a path without them, and if they're not following me, it doesn't work. Same with sex, or business, or sales. You have to be sure you they are following you.
If she is following, you are leading.
If she is not following--you are not leading!
It's not failure--it's feedback.
It's not personal--it's information.
It's the man's responsibility to lead and arouse the woman. Look at nature. Animals in nature know when to keep courting the female, when to try harder, try something else, and when she's accepted him and surrendered. The male does not assume success is his automatically, and he just will not give up until she's chosen him or another male!
Your Feedback Loop is essential in sex, in business, and in life.
Your lover comes when she is in her feelings, her sensations, her right brain. If she's following your lead, and the "story" you're taking her through, and has surrendered to you, it works.
I'll show you how to lead her, first with tempting suggestions that build to commands. Play with these suggestions and commands and practice combining them.
Practice in your mind during the day so you get comfortable with it, and you'll find it's fun to fantasize about it!You'll enjoy it!
Practice it in your regular life with her. Suggest, tease, then command and see if she follows. If she does, you're succeeding.
women are turned on by how you make them feel.
Notice the statements are MOSTLY about her, not you: "you, your, you're feeling, you're going to feel, I'm going to make you, I want you to...." It's all about her. That's how you turn her on, by talking about her.
Notice the progression. A woman rises in stages, where a man goes pretty quickly to full arousal. Stay with her, focus on her, sense her, read her, inch her temperature up.
Begin to suggest and tease:
You look so hot...
Your legs are gorgeous...
I'm going to stroke your legs...
I want to bite your neck...
You're going to get so...
I'm going to make you feel...
You're going to relax and enjoy....
You make me want to...
You're going to feel so good...
You're going to feel like touching me too...
Then get more sensual and intense:
Your... feels warm and tingly...
Your... is amazing...
Your ... is going to feel so intensely hot...(begin to command)
I'm in charge of your pleasure and you're going to give me all of your...
You're going to start to vibrate....
I'm going to tease you until you want more... until you beg me....
You are so smart and sexy... I am so lucky to have you...
You are so hot I want to lick you all over... (do that)
You are so luscious and edible... (act on it)
Once you're swollen and wet I'm going to... you... but not till you ask me to... (tease)
Women are turned on by how you make them feel.
Build to commands only if she's with you so far. Your Feedback Loop needs to be spot on. If she's not with you, she won't buy it. She has to buy it:
You're enjoying this so much you can't stop me...
You're an animal and you like it...
You're a slut and you love it when you're...
You're a lioness and I'm a big bushy male taking you...
I'm going to roll you over and...
You're going to beg me to keep going...
Deep inside you are feeling my cock in just the right spot...
You cannot hold back from me EVER...
Women are turned on by how you make them feel.
Build toward climax if she's up with you:
You feel so swollen, it must feel so very good you can't stand it...
I know what you want...
I'm going to drive you out of your mind...
You're going to do whatever I tell you...
You are going to explode...
You're going to quake and shake to your toes...
You must come really hard when I get ready for you to... when I tell you to...
You're going to do whatever I tell you to do...
You're going to throb so hard...
You'll have to beg me to go on if you want more, because I'm in charge...
Women are turned on by how you make them feel.
You can yell at her if you need to, to make her let go, but she must be ready enough. You can't make her do what you haven't built her up sufficiently to do:
You cannot hold it back!!!
I want you to let go to me now!!!
I demand that you give it all to me NOW...
I command you to...
Dammit, give it to me now!
Be direct, strong, no hesitation, no doubts.
Commanding doesn't mean insisting on or forcing things that don't turn her on, or being insensitive and pushy. You're commanding her to let go to what SHE enjoys! Women are somewhat conditioned to hold back and not get out of control so this may take a while.
Read her and notice what works and doesn't with her. Remember it.
Speaking in third person, i.e. "she loves when I" or "she's an animal" takes HER out of the spotlight and into some vague abstract state.
Or keep saying YOU, speaking directly to her. Experiment.
Say and do what works for her, and you'll merge with her.
If you've gotten wildly sexual, afterward, hold her close and go to a soft emotional place and ground her, telling her how beautiful she is, and how important she is in your life. This lets her know she is important to you as a whole person in your life, not just a sex object. She wants to be objectified in sex, but not in other contexts.
Ground her emotionally.
Lead Her Physically Too
Lead her more powerfully by moving her body around, in bed, or anywhere. Pulling, pushing, positioning, bending her over, bending her backwards like in a dance dip, rolling her around, putting her where you want her is HOT! That's leading her to places she wants to go.
Asking her to move over this way or that is softer--at best it's neutral, and you don't want neutral in bed.
Physically take charge to be more manly.
Command more respect, AND heat her up--physically:
- Stay in shape so you can be physically powerful with her.
- Be physical with her especially if she's a strong woman.
- Push her up against the wall unexpectedly and kiss her.
- Move her around physically in bed--don't ask her to move!
- Grab her, move her to you physically, and kiss her in the kitchen.
- Pick her up and carry her to the bed. When you take her off the ground, you are in control and she loves that.
- Grab her and move her to you on the street.
- Take her head in your hands and turn her face to you.
- Grab her shoulders and turn her to look you in the eye.
- Throw her on the bed and take her (with her pleasure foremost of course.)
- You can be a modern sensitive man without feeling softer than she is. Best of both worlds for her!
If after all of this, she doesn't surrender to you:
- She needs to respect you more as a man
- Be more commanding (for her pleasure and enjoyment)
- Be more physically dominant if she's a very strong, powerful woman
- Lead more in daily life if she's strong, so she feels more polarity between you
- Be more of a bad boy in the bedroom and a gentleman everywhere else
- She's too distracted by work or stress--get her away on a romantic date or trip and make her drop work--no work talk!
- If she has low self esteem, only she can do anything about it. You can't fix that or help her at all
You must have her full respect or she will not surrender to you. The man can't be too much of a "nice guy" in sex, especially if he wants to lead a strong woman--there's not enough polarity.
Women love a manly man, or better yet, a "bad boy." It's a mysterious thing about the female psyche. She wants a perfect gentleman in the living room, out in public, and sharing her life, but she needs a bad boy in the bedroom.
Full time bad boys are too much trouble in the long run, but her animal attraction to the bad boy is never lost. Once she matures and values herself more, she wants a man who can be a gentleman and hero in regular life, and a bad boy in the bedroom. You can be a part time bad boy and give her all the positive excitement she wants, without the struggles and drama a real bad boy brings.
The popularity of the book Fifty Shades Of Gray has been valuable for one purpose: to bring attention to the fact that the more powerful a woman is at work, the more she usually wants to be taken by her man. She wants to be led and told what to do by her man in sex. She has to be a "man" by necessity at work, and she deeply wants to go to the opposite extreme and feel completely surrendered, like a woman.
BUT.... BDSM and other extreme sexual practices are damaging. They are needed by people who cannot feel their feelings or their bodies through normal touch, who are armored emotionally, or have become hard of heart, and deadened in mind and emotions.
I do not recommend it at all. I recommend sensitizing yourself more finely, not beating and torturing your body into feeling.
The problem is, the more extreme, painful, rough, or insensitive sex you have, the more your need for even greater extremes increases. It's like a bad drug habit.
Don't settle--constantly evolve and expand your joy.
Sex Is Affected By Other Areas Of Your Lives
There are many factors in the male/female dynamic, complicated by the fact that men and women want different things, act, feel, and think differently, and respond differently.
Couples can misread or misunderstand each other. He says one thing and she hears another. She asks for something, and he goes into the paralysis of performance pressure, which she can read as resistance to her request.
Then there's work stress, daily decisions and interactions, how you get along in general, and it can all affect your sex life positively or negatively. The man is usually more commanding and confident when his career feels good to him, and she does respond to his confidence or lack of. Her sexual drive and response is usually not damped by her own career challenges. It's more separate to her.
Lead her in all of life:
- Take the lead in more areas of your lives.
- Suggest, initiate, and take the action on things to improve your lives daily--financially, socially, health-and-fitness-wise, spiritually. If she feels like she must take over the lead in too many areas of your lives, she will feel more like "the man" than you. She doesn't want that, it diminishes polarity, thus dampens her passion.
- If she's upset, wrap her in a giant bear hug and breathe into her until she soothes. This is far more powerful on all levels than talking. If you get upset or defensive at her emotion, you lose the power to lead.
- To be more the man, be her physical, emotional soother. Words lead her to her left brain--she craves your strength and power, not your intellectual arguments.
- Leading in a macho way that doesn't take her needs and interests into account is not sexy leading.
- Leading in a cool and intellectual way doesn't let her feel your manhood.
- Lead with her foremost in mind, and you'll get all you need.
Emotional challenges for the man in sex with a woman: Hopefully you won't encounter these or have resolved them, but there is help if you want it. For all these, go back to the book Things Are Going Great In My Absence and deepen or reclaim your power, take the online courses, or get sessions.
- The man is dominant, angry, or pushy in an un-sexy way. This is low self esteem, old hurt vibrations needing his attention.
- He is resistant to putting her pleasure first, or thinks it's not fair, or wants her to take responsibility for her own orgasms. This needs hisattention.
- It's difficult for him to connect emotionally.
- He has negative past conditioning about sex.
- She dominates him. He needs to address his lack of leadership.
- He finds it difficult to be commanding in bed or life. He can go to David Shade's www.masterful-lover.com. It's great for all men anyway! It's fun! It is very raunchy, but you can take what you like and leave the rest.
- If he is defensive or gets his feelings hurt easily, he'll feel "softer" than her, and she'll feel more like the man. Before he reacts or speaks: he could dive into his own feelings, drop the story, and come back to her when he's feeling good, in his full power. This is depression, unworthiness, or low self esteem, crying out for his attention.
Make your lists now, post them where only you can see it, and do them over time.
- Make a list of ways you can lead her in every department of your daily lives.
- Make a list of your intentions for your own evolution as a man.
- List what you want as a couple.
David Shade's Deep Spot Orgasm
This conventional sex technique causes the conventional excitement orgasm. Tantra says that fingers are not sensitive enough, and that only the penis, with its complementaray electrical charge, should enter the vagina. But this course covers Tantra and conventional sex, so we include this.
Men, be VERY gentle, clip your nails short and smooth, and use a LOT of lubrication anytime you use a finger.
DISCLAIMER: Before you go to his site to see this video, I don't actually recommend all of David's work, as he uses his techniques to teach men to pick women up. The techniques DO work, though, so his students get lots of sex! You don't have to agree with his lifestyle, or everything he says and does, to get value from some of his techniques. Take what you like and leave the rest, wherever you find it.
1. If you want explosive female orgasms very fast, David's Deep Spot Orgasm works.
Why? As you found in Divine Openings, most people have areas of numbness in their bodies and emotions. Unfortunately for you men trying to please your woman, one of those areas may be her vagina.
This is partly due to societal conditioning from childhood to ignore or stay away from that "bad" or "unmentionable" area! Other women got numb from lovers who didn't know any better pounding away at them unconsciously, giving her pain, or even breaking her heart. She just turned the sensations off. The tissues actually harden. Other women turned it off after rape or incest.
This Deep Spot technique David demonstrates "wakes up" the vagina, opening the door to bigger, deeper, vaginal orgasms thereafter. I've seen tantra teachers do something like it in a more clinical way. Do it VERY sensitively. Fingers are hard and boney, and are not ideal for the soft vagina, but if you do this with the right intention, it can be helpful.
She will tingle for hours after you do this for her. It may take a few sessions for it to fully work as any numbness wakes up. And she must trust you and have respect for you for it to work. If it's not working, things outside the bedroom might need to be addressed.
If you've lost her respect, or she's become frustrated with you, tell her, "I'm the man, and I'm taking more responsibility for your pleasure, starting NOW. I've been looking for ways to give you more pleasure, and you're going to love this."
My three favorite things from his work are the Deep Spot Orgasm, sex talk, and "how to be a bad boy." David encourages men to be gentlemen in the living room, the restaurant, or the bar, and bad boys in the bedroom. Amen. He's also great at teaching men how to talk a woman to higher arousal and orgasm. We cover those in other modules, so you have the best of it here.
Passion in Long Term Relationship
Intend to have a passionate long term relationship. Tantra is more useful than traditional sex for long term. Take the actions. Make the efforts. Focus on love and sex and your whole life together. It's all one piece to her, not separate departments.
Read David Schnarch's and Diana and Michael Richarson's tantra books - all of them!
Anytime you're not getting what you want, that's feedback that you need to give her more of what she needs to restore her motivation to give to you. Relationship is supposed to ebb and flow, hit plateaus that ask you to grow, and challenge you to be better.
You're leading. You're in charge of how much heat there is in your sex life.
In the beginning of a relationship, the newness of it can carry both of you for a while. As a man you're easier to please, so it all works for you. At first, in the heat of new passion, she may over-give sexually, deliberately overlooking it if you're not picking up on her sexual needs and preferences.
She thinks "he'll learn to read me and please me more as we go." She thinks it's just the beginning of his finding ways to please her.
There is absolutely no need for passion to fade in a long term relationship. If you constantly learn what pleases her, it stays hot and gets hotter. If you don't grow, and learn what she needs, she cools off. She still loves you, but she's indicating that now it's time for you to learn what she needs if you want to sustain the passion.
Once you do learn those hot spots, passion triggers, and mental turn ons so unique to her, remember it! She doesn't want to have to ask you again.
She wants you to lead her into ecstasy. She wants to surrender. She wants to follow. She respects you more when you lead, remember, and keep making it better.
She was conditioned from childhood to notice what others like, especially her man, and if she's stopped doing all those things she used to do for you, it's because she lost her passion when she didn't get her needs met reciprocally. She still remembers what you like, and she will do it when she's fulfilled.
Once you find what makes her hot,
- Improve your Feedback Loop so you can feel her. Pretend you're studying to become a gigolo, and your job is to be an expert reader of women's cues and secret desires.
- Remember what she asked for, liked, or what worked! File away all the feedback, observations, responses, and what you found she likes. Mentally list all the things she likes in bed.
- If you keep forgetting, write down a list until you can remember them. If you keep forgetting, there's a reason. Feel through that.
If you haven't been leading your sexual evolution enough, turn that around. Focus on what you both want next:
- Lead her in doing the activities in this course. Take charge of it.
- Ask her constantly what she wants you to know that men don't know. Then you're in charge, not reacting to her requests!
- Take charge of the growth so she doesn't have to bring it up and put you on the spot.
The only thing that matters to a masterful lover
is the woman's response.
I used to help people get over stage fright or fear of public speaking in one session. It also works for Performance Panic.
Here's how you do it.
Imagine there's a spotlight on you. The light is hot and bright and it's aimed only at YOU. You're "on the spot," in the spotlight, and everything depends on you. Her pleasure depends on you. It's all on YOU. You're nervous and sweating. Everything is focused on you, and you must perform perfectly or fail. It's exactly like being on TV under those hot lights.
No fun, huh?
Now turn the spotlight on HER. Now it's not all about you. It's about her. You're not performing, you're giving and enjoying and relating. You're talking about HER, focusing on HER, thinking about HER, and feeling HER. You can take your mind of YOU. You can relax and have fun, using your Feedback Loop to read her and give her pleasure. The heat and the pressure is off of you.
Turn your inner dialog away from, "How am I doing?" to "How is SHE doing?"
What does she want? What can I do to connect?
You're focused on love, and being connected, and it's not a performance. At some point you forget who is who and you're one. If you lose her, you find her again.
Remember to be glad she's not a man, and that she's different from you. That's why you're attracted to her.
Vive le difference!
This is a GREAT video series for men, free on YouTube:
He talks about authentic masculinity, erotic dominance, etc.
The book Tantric Sex for Men, by Diana and MIchael Richardson is excellent advanced material that goes very deep into spiritual union through sex.