Back "Home" After the Retreat, and Webinars Can Be Life Changing!
Guest article by Marlene Geschke, a recent attendee of Lola Jones's 5 Day Silent Retreat in California!
She shares her experience since a live webinar with Lola.
Webinars Can Be Life Changing!!
by Marlene Geschke
I awoke at 5am this morning with a head full of thoughts and ideas running around, but also a tired body that definitely didn’t want to wake up. Compromise: After 20 minutes of un-tameable thoughts, I pulled out my Divine Notebook, leaned over the bed to shine my phone light on it, and jotted down the basic idea of these oh-so important thoughts. Turned off the phone light and finally quieted my mind enough to fall back to sleep 45 minutes later. Seemed important enough to spend the time to write it out fully… now, if only I could read my handwriting! ☺ Here’s the GIST of it.
During the recent Webinar, I explained that I had naturally been “in the flow” but hadn’t known what it was called/named until I discovered Lola’s teachings. Lola suggested that I was one of the lucky ones that had retained the connection to the presence from childhood and I corrected her that “No, I hadn’t discovered it until I was in my 30’s”. Well, seems that wasn’t really correct… at least that’s not the message I was getting early this morning. I think Lola WAS correct – that I was lucky enough to have retained the amazement, wonder, awe, beauty, knowledge of The Presence since childhood but just wasn’t really AWARE of it until my mid 30’s. When I went through some big life changes (3 kids, divorce, career change, single & dating, extensive therapy) in my early 30’s, I seemed to have “woken up” again and rejoined the Energetic Flow of the Universe and felt connected to everyone and everything. I had friends actually comment on my ease in the world and thank me for teaching them how to be more in that space. I even had a serious boyfriend say that one of the things he liked best about me was that I was Childlike – not Childish – but Child-Like. I took that as a great compliment.
Then, something bad happened and I changed all that. When I was turning 40, my Mother died quickly of colon cancer at the age of 62. If that wasn’t bad enough, my Father followed suit ten months later and also quickly died of cancer at age 69… BOTH TOO YOUNG! Well, I don't’ know why, but I went deep inside, closed my heart and shut off my connection to The Flow… I kept myself “safe”. I felt more protected that way. It was my learned response to sadness – put it away, don’t dwell on it, don’t let anyone see your weakness and you won’t have to feel (it) again.
So, that’s what I did… I didn’t feel again – for 14 years!!! About 5 years into this detached/angry/unhappy state, my youngest sister commented that “Ever since you married Kai (also at the same time my parents died) you aren’t as supportive and are more judgmental than you were before”. I wasn’t judgmental – I was just CLOSED… closed off to the beauty of the people around me, to the gorgeousness of the world, to the amazing flow of energy surrounding all of us… to the Presence within me.
Of course I now know that was not the best way to react to my parent’s death. I spent 14 years frustrated, angry, sad and disconnected. I was lost and I didn’t know how to get back – but, back to Where? I knew I had lost something but had no idea what it actually was or how to re-connect to it. After about 6 years of unhappiness (deep down unhappiness – my outer shell/persona was always happy☺) I started searching. I read books, started yoga, did therapy, read more books. I finally went to a spiritual healer and asked him to “Help me open my heart again”. Well, it worked – somewhat. I could feel the connection here and there – a little bit. But, after 7 years of all that work I still didn’t have “it” back – and it felt crappy. I knew I felt bad, but even with all my searching and “re-searching” I didn’t know what to do to feel better. I felt that I was never going to be able to “fix what was wrong with me”… but I kept looking… and then stopped… I got tired.
Then something bad happened again. A year ago, something terrible happened to our family that threw me into another tailspin. I went back into therapy with a new, wonderful therapist who I quickly realized was not going to be able to help me… been down this road before. I needed something/someone else as I could feel this was much bigger than the recent terrible event we had experienced.
Miraculously, Lola’s book showed up from the deep, dark recesses of my overly full closet and everything started falling into place. I felt immediate relief from my inner pain after reading the first few pages. I continued to read and listen to her audiobook, the diving in and first aid audios, her music, and to gaze at her artwork. Attending the 5 Day Retreat last June was a gift to myself (and my family☺) and helped me further reconnect with the Presence and the Divine Energy surrounding us.
But, I was still unsure of how to go even deeper (or even if I could) until this past webinar opened me up even more. I now fully understand FEEL my connection to the energy around all of us and have a deeper understanding of what it is – The Presence. I was ready. I had lived in resistance for so long… resisting the pain of losing my parents, resisting the pain of childhood sufferings, resisting connecting with those closest to me. It feels so incredibly wonderful to be back HOME in my heart again!! Thank you Lola for sharing all of your gifts with us and for the awesome webinar series!